Since my mom died, my dad had the hard task of being a mom and dad at the same time. The man nailed it and i just can't imagine how hard that must have been for him. My dad cooked for us every night, always trying to put something healthy and jummy on the table, no matter how tired he was. He nailed that too! I know, this man must be Superdad... It was either a very nice pasta, rice and vegies or something like that. I tried copying his pasta, but even using the exact same ingredients, it will never ever taste as good as my dad's. It's because I will always miss that special ingredient: dad's love. And, let's face it, I will never be a dad!
When I was old enough to use an oven, I started making lasagna's. I love pasta and food out of the oven, so it had to be lasagna. I know that my dad hates loads of cheese and heavy meals, so lasagna is definitely not his favourite food.. But he knew I loved making it and it was the only dish I knew how to make, so he let me do my thing once every two weeks. Telling me that this lasagna is even better than the one I made 2 weeks ago, even though it was the exact same one.
I love food, I love looking at pictures of food, I love the smell of (most) foods. I cut out recipies and put them in a special notebook. For Christmas my lovely man bought me a foodprocessor. I know I can cook, but still the foodprocessor hasn't been used and my homemade cookbook hasn't been touched or had recipies added to it in a while. I blame our kitchen. It's just too small.. In my opinion you need a pretty kitchen for pretty cooking. Or at least the kitchen has to be in a house you feel at home in. I believe you just can't cook good food or cook with love in a place you really don't feel comfortable in..
When we just moved in, I made dinner (almost..) every day. No special meals, but still I cooked. Since a year we order in pretty much every meal. I hate myself for that. I start out with good intentions, but when we come home after a day of work, taking off my shoes is almost too much. I even go to the supermarket, but usually the ingredients end up in the fridge and after a week they end up in the bin.
My favourite tv-cook is Nigella Lawson, but at the same time I hate her. She makes everything look so easy and effortless.. Which makes me hate myself for never cooking anymore. This woman really is a food-magician. If we had smell-evision, this would probably be the only program I'd watch.
The problem is that whatever i do, I have to do perfect right away. I don't allow myself to make mistakes, which probably is the reason I'm scared to try anything new, for example cooking like a pro. Because to be a pro, you have to make mistakes, that's when you learn most. Learning from my mistakes is something I don't allow myself to do. This is also the reason I'm so tired after work, all the energy I have for a day goes into working. I take everything personal and blame myself for everything that goes wrong. Even when I know I couldn't have done anything to change it.
Some people are just not made for a job. I believe I'm one of those people. I think I was born to be a housewife, and the thought of that actually relaxes me. It's not that I'm giving up on dreams or life, this is my dream. Being a housewife is hard work too, you just don't get paid at the end of the month, and where I live making money and having a (paid) carreer is everything. People here look down on housewives, every women here, even moms, have to at least work parttime. They see housewives as women that are not able to stand up for themselves, who think they're worth less than their husbands or whatever. I don't see it that way. I won't be a traditional housewife, even I am too emancipated for that.. Love and me want to take over the world with our own bussiness, and that's a job I do want to spend all my energy on. So that means I manage the house, do administration for our bussiness and home, take care of the kids when they're not in school and even put a homemade meal on the table every evening.
When I think about going to work again tomorrow, I feel like crying and I actually have the easiest job ever, I just make it hard.. Thinking about the whole modern housewife/manager dream, makes me smile, even though that means working a lot harder than I do now, it actually gives me an energy boost.
Writing this has made me hungry, time for lunch!
